Friday, January 25, 2008

The Lingam defence

The latest Off the Cuff column in the lifestyle section of Singapore's Business Times is hilarious. I'm sure many Malaysians and Singaporeans can relate to it. Enjoy and forward it! :-)

Looks like I wrote this - did I?

By JAIME EE

MY fellow lawyers, citizens and other distinguished friends who may have been caught in an incriminating video or two - greetings. Welcome to our workshop titled: 'Never Say Die Even When Your Face Is Staring At You From The Video - henceforth known as the Lingam Defence.'

Now, this is a very interesting strategy, inspired not by a famous brand of chilli sauce, but by a well-known lawyer of the same name across the Causeway currently caught in a judge-fixing scandal. Upon watching a video allegedly of him talking on the phone and being asked to confirm his identity, he told the court, 'It looks like me, and the voice sounds like me,' but would not say if it was him, or not him, or even possibly him in the video.

Now, any armchair litigator or court kaypoh would pooh-pooh him for trying to pull a fast one. But, my friends, we who live by the mantra 'open to interpretation' have found this to be a ground-breaking defence that, with some modifications, can be used not just in court but in all manner of situations that require deflection of blame.

The focus of this workshop then, is to show you how to use the Lingam Defence in almost any scenario. For example, in the original case, it could subsequently be argued that if one does not look at oneself in the mirror all the time, it is entirely possible to look at a video and think 'that can't be me', especially if one's mental picture of oneself is 20kg lighter and with a more trendy hairstyle. Alternatively, one could also be struggling with philosophical issues, hence he could be referring to himself in the metaphysical sense as in 'Is that really me in the mirror? Or is that just someone else with the same face?'

Similarly, depending on what situation you find yourself in, the same principles can apply. Say, for example, you are presented with a video of yourself having sex with a florist-cum-personal friend. You could delay a public resignation by arguing, 'It looks like me and uh, sounds like me, wait a minute, oh wow, is that really me? Am I that athletic? I didn't know I could do that . . . no no that definitely can't be me. But you know, if it was me, I think I'm pretty hot. But I'm not saying it's me.'

Or, in another scenario where you are caught feeding monkeys in the nature reserve and are being fined $4,000. 'Sir, it may look like me and sound like I was feeding the monkeys, but have you considered the possibility that I was minding my own business when a monkey which did not like the bread someone else gave him, came and shoved it in my hand just before I was filmed? It sounds like I was saying 'here, monkey, have some bread', I was actually saying, 'Eee, monkey, loathsome breed'. Hence, I feel that you should send this tape to an overseas expert for verification and to prove that it was a human who taped it and not another monkey.'

Or, in the case of a chikungunya-carrying mosquito mistaken for a dengue-causing one: 'It looks like me and sounds like me, the resemblance is so uncanny that when I look in the mirror I try to swat myself.'

And there you have it. The Lingam Defence workshop - it looks and sounds like a workshop, but it may or may not have been one. We might offer more, but I can't confirm or deny it.

94 comments:

Laksarian said...

LOL

lucia said...

mental jog

thanks for sharing. it is hilarious indeed! i'm going to put it up on my blog too!

Anonymous said...

makes your life more bearable with such hilarous show. RCI members must be enjoying every minute of it and learning a bit on defence mechanism, in case they need it.

The Void Deck said...

LOL dude!

Hantu Laut said...

Hi, Mate,

A very nice piece,outstanding and funny.Mine is more on a serious note.Can I put a link to it on my blog? Thanks.

jasgill said...

Maybe lawyers will soon advise Malaysians and Singaporeans that if they are caught on speed cameras for speeding in Malaysia and brought to court, they should use this defence "It looks like my car, it looks like my number plate but I am not really sure it is my car unless I get the original recording verified by my experts!!!" Yeah, let us see them producing thier original camera. Same for being caught on camera for beating a red traffic light. I am sure the courts in Malaysia will allow this if this guy gets away with what he is excreting at the RCI.

content said...

The best defence ever! :)

KLConfidential said...

hilarious and witty! Love it!!! Absolutely correct, correct, correct!

Will forward it and post it on my blog! (with deserved references of course) :D

Nice one, man.

Goostee said...

If something like that is accepted by a Royal Commission, doesn't that reflect poorly on the intelligence of its members???

Sophie said...

glad u all like the posting. yes, please spread the lingam spoof as much as possible and promote little sophie. woof woof

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When he couldn't lie any longer,
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Has anyone found anything like it written on the tombstone of a chief justice? Please share.

Anonymous said...

Laugh until I had an out-of-body experience.
Me who got out of my body also laughed until he had one too.
All in all, there was unanimous laughter among the ten of us. On later reflection I think I was laughing at myself..or was it myself laughing at me?

Damn, I need a quack.

Jay Syed said...

Guess if somebody was offering tons of money instead to the guy in the video he would be the first to admit, "That is absolutely me beyond reasonable doubt! Because if he sounds like me, look like me, & even has a room in the house which has all similar furniture like my house, it must be me!" Now history should be rewritten explaining the truth regarding how Mahathir managed to stay in in power for such a long time!

Prev said...

Loved it! & as you know ive put it up on my blog! =) Kudos... Keep em coming.

Anonymous said...

You have really great taste on catch article titles, even when you are not interested in this topic you push to read it

Anonymous said...

You have to express more your opinion to attract more readers, because just a video or plain text without any personal approach is not that valuable. But it is just form my point of view

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