The Lingam defence

The latest Off the Cuff column in the lifestyle section of Singapore's Business Times is hilarious. I'm sure many Malaysians and Singaporeans can relate to it. Enjoy and forward it! :-)

Looks like I wrote this - did I?

By JAIME EE

MY fellow lawyers, citizens and other distinguished friends who may have been caught in an incriminating video or two - greetings. Welcome to our workshop titled: 'Never Say Die Even When Your Face Is Staring At You From The Video - henceforth known as the Lingam Defence.'

Now, this is a very interesting strategy, inspired not by a famous brand of chilli sauce, but by a well-known lawyer of the same name across the Causeway currently caught in a judge-fixing scandal. Upon watching a video allegedly of him talking on the phone and being asked to confirm his identity, he told the court, 'It looks like me, and the voice sounds like me,' but would not say if it was him, or not him, or even possibly him in the video.

Now, any armchair litigator or court kaypoh would pooh-pooh him for trying to pull a fast one. But, my friends, we who live by the mantra 'open to interpretation' have found this to be a ground-breaking defence that, with some modifications, can be used not just in court but in all manner of situations that require deflection of blame.

The focus of this workshop then, is to show you how to use the Lingam Defence in almost any scenario. For example, in the original case, it could subsequently be argued that if one does not look at oneself in the mirror all the time, it is entirely possible to look at a video and think 'that can't be me', especially if one's mental picture of oneself is 20kg lighter and with a more trendy hairstyle. Alternatively, one could also be struggling with philosophical issues, hence he could be referring to himself in the metaphysical sense as in 'Is that really me in the mirror? Or is that just someone else with the same face?'

Similarly, depending on what situation you find yourself in, the same principles can apply. Say, for example, you are presented with a video of yourself having sex with a florist-cum-personal friend. You could delay a public resignation by arguing, 'It looks like me and uh, sounds like me, wait a minute, oh wow, is that really me? Am I that athletic? I didn't know I could do that . . . no no that definitely can't be me. But you know, if it was me, I think I'm pretty hot. But I'm not saying it's me.'

Or, in another scenario where you are caught feeding monkeys in the nature reserve and are being fined $4,000. 'Sir, it may look like me and sound like I was feeding the monkeys, but have you considered the possibility that I was minding my own business when a monkey which did not like the bread someone else gave him, came and shoved it in my hand just before I was filmed? It sounds like I was saying 'here, monkey, have some bread', I was actually saying, 'Eee, monkey, loathsome breed'. Hence, I feel that you should send this tape to an overseas expert for verification and to prove that it was a human who taped it and not another monkey.'

Or, in the case of a chikungunya-carrying mosquito mistaken for a dengue-causing one: 'It looks like me and sounds like me, the resemblance is so uncanny that when I look in the mirror I try to swat myself.'

And there you have it. The Lingam Defence workshop - it looks and sounds like a workshop, but it may or may not have been one. We might offer more, but I can't confirm or deny it.

Maverick sons, part 2

The Li Hongyi incident is no laughing matter but it's good to have a good sense of humour, especially in straight-laced Singapore.

Famous blogger mrbrown and BT writer Jamie Ee have not lost their sense of humour despite the intense public debate on the merits of what Hongyi did recently.

mrbrown's podcast entitled 'Swordsman' is quite funny. Jamie's sarcasm is equally funny as the letter is obviously a spoof on Hongyi's famous letter, which was mentioned in an earlier posting.

Harry Potter and the Letter of Complaint
By JAMIE EE

TO: The Ministry of Magic, Department of the Dark Arts.

CC: All in Hogwarts; All in centaur colony in the Dark Forest; All the giants (at least the ones who can read English).

Re: A complaint about the quality control of Wizarding Officers

Dear Sirs and All,

I am about to disrupt my education at Hogwarts in order to find the Deathly Hallows and launch into a fight to the finish with You-Know-Who, so this may well be my last e-mail sent to you, depending on my fate, which will not be known until tomorrow morning at Borders at 7:01 am. Hopefully, I will come away with only a stern warning.

I am using this last opportunity to issue a letter of complaint about the quality of officers in the wizarding department, especially over the control of He-Who- Must-Not-Be-Named, who has gone missing for 14 years and whose method of transportation during those incidents has yet to be ascertained. Some say he travels by portkey, but others say he uses a Mitsubishi Lancer.

Anyway, I have reported many times that he has gone missing - and sometimes I think he does it to annoy me because he always sneaks back and tries to kill me - but the officials in charge do not seem to want to do anything about it.

In fact, they do not even want to find him and seem to me to be almost afraid of bringing him to justice. This leads some to believe that he is a half-blood princeling who is able to come and go whenever he pleases.

Unfortunately, because I have brought this issue to light, I am accused of being a tattle-tale taking full advantage of the fact that I am Hogwarts principal Dumbledore's favourite student ever.

Because of their ill-feeling towards my perceived hallowed status, they have run gleeful stories about me in the Daily Prophet, implying that I am a hoity-toity smug know-it-all. I feel that this is not fair, especially considering that I am being named while You-Know-Who remains blissfully unexposed. He is a danger to us, and threatens the very foundation upon which our society is built on.

He wants power, which in itself is really not a bad thing if you ask me, but he does it in a rather sneaky way which reminds me of other developing countries which-shall- not-be-named, but that's another story.

So, you leave me no choice but to go after him on my own, on my Nimbus 2000 broomstick. And when I find him I am going to take him down, even if it leads to the death of more than two people whose identities again will not be known until after tomorrow.

Of course, all this leads to the inevitable question of what happens to me. Will I be killed? Will I kill You-Know-Who before he gets a chance to run off without permission again? Because I really feel like killing him. Will he take my car this time? Will my loyal followers be killed too? Will I ride off into the sunset on the back of a centaur? Will I return many years later, appointed to the wizards' council? Will I spend my retirement years investigating letters of complaint like this?

Be patient. Come this time tomorrow, all will be revealed. Chances are the anticipation will be more exciting than the actual result but never mind. I'm not complaining.

Sincerely yours,

Harry Potter